Two steps forward one step back...

Sometimes I wonder who I am...without alcohol who is the real me? I found a website about depression http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Depression/good_mood/article2.asp
it's well worth a read, it suggests we feel depressed because we make mental comparisons about how we should feel when we react to certain events. So if something does not go well then we make negative assumptions based on a standard that we set in the past. If the basis for the comparison was suspect and we form an opinion on that fact then we are not giving ourselves credit for what we originally set out to do (am I making sense lol?)

I sometimes wish someone would come to me and ask for advice, because I feel I could help other people, but when it comes to helping myself I really beat myself up! I keep buying books and reading and picking up more information, but sometimes I feel the reading is an excuse to procrastinate and avoid doing the things that will help my recovery. I think action is a good thing, to look for the positive options and to not give yourself a hard time.

My biggest problem is I want to be "mentally sorted" right now and I know that is like wanting to be at a top of a mountain when you're standing at the base. You know there's a lot of climbing to be done until you reach the top and you're not going to be able to do the whole thing in one go, but by persistence and tackling it in stages you'll get there. I guess iv'e climbed a little way but there is still a way to go.

Peace Rob

Who moved my cheese?

Rediscovered a book "Who moved my cheese" could be pretty influential in overcoming addictive traits. People have problems adjusting to change and find it easier to stay in their comfort zone rather than "getting out there" and looking for new opportunities. It is too easy to be complacent and to wallow in self pity and blame the way your life is going on someone or something else. It is better to be independent than dependent, if you make your own choices you don't have to rely on anyone else and benefit more from the rewards you get, because you have earned them.

I'm sick of scratching around in the same places for solutions to my problems, the answers lie somewhere else. I gave up alcohol but became so self absorbed and obsessed with my security and disatisfied with the way things were, but was not getting anywhere fast. I open myself to the concept of change and refuse to let past patterns control me. It is time to move on!!!

Giving up drinking is easy...honest!

Giving up drinking is easy, made easier by hitting "rock bottom" first. I hit an emotional rb and was fortunate enough to realize that if I were not to change I would continue on a path of self-destruction. Insecurity and low self esteem have been the hardest things I have had to deal with. It also seems that you only appear to notice the "negatives" of a situation and in my case make predictions of the future to fulfil your darkest and saddest thoughts.

My hardest challenge has been to deal with a lot of the emotonal/ psychological shit on my own. I've been lucky enough to have had support from those closest to me, but I still feel alone, sharing my terrors only truly with myself and thus making those around me suffer. It must be hell to live with me when I'm on a "downer"!

I tried out AA and was disappointed, I am interested in empowerment and having the strength to get over alcoholism and confronting the negative issues in my life, whereas AA is about handing your problems over to "A god as I understand him..." and working the 12 steps, attending 90 meetings in 90 days, man that just sounds a bit like brainwashing to me. Don't get me wrong, if it works for you do it, it just didn't work for me. From what I have seen of AA you may well get over your addiction but you will never truly be free, strong and independent, which is how I aspire to be.

I found an alternative to AA called Rational Emotive Therapy a method of identifying irrational thoughts and how to recognise that such thoughts are not facts.

I think that the problems that led me to develop addictive behavior was down to insecurity. Pinning down when the feeling originaly came to me is hard to locate. Alcohol originally helped to supress the fears and in the early days drinking was great, it really helpred me to fulfil my desires. After drinking for a few years things started to change though, old insecurities became more prominent and alcohol started to aggravate my irrational thoughts.

A pattern then emerged of co-dependency (although I didn't realise it then) and I'd drift from relationship to relationship on a quest for an exagerated and incorrect perception of love. My low self-esteem and insecurity led me to continually expect I would be let down if I ever trusted anyone and made it hard for me to forge friendships as I always thought I was being judged or not interesting...etc.

I'm at the point now where I can recognize where I have been going wrong, but change is so hard. I have two choices:

1. Accept the irrational thoughts and fulfil my perverse desire for unhappiness
2. Accept that I am catostrophizing and work constructively to improve myself and adopt healthy beliefs rather than negative ones.

I accept that change is hard because I have lived by flawed rules for over 25 years and to bring about the positive changes I want will take a lot of hard work, but in the long run will make me a stronger and happier person.

Rob