Month 2 away from alcohol

An interesting week for me, into my second month without booze and I feel great...so alive!

Had an appointment with my alcohol and drugs counsellor and was told that They didn't need to see me anymore as I have made months of progress in such a short time. My counsellor also suggested I get into the counselling profession as my experience of dealing with my alcoholism may be of great help to other people.

I like the idea of helping other people, alcoholism is a nightmare, I was really lucky I managed to quit when I did before I went down the road of losing everything.

I feel so much more confident now, if you were to ask me four weeks ago could I imagine feeling so positive and able to cope...I would have laughed or at the very least thought you were crazy!

I've joined a local Aikido class and although I feel like a right clumsy prat next to the other students, I can see I will derive some great benefits from it's teachings.

I've just got to give up smoking now, shave my head, become vegetarian and go on a journey of self exploration...yeah right!

Changing negative behavioral patterns is cool though, it's like getting to meet a new and better you and it's very cathartic.

Anyways gotta go

Rob

Day 25 and a hell of a lot calmer

Finding I'm able to cope with events that would previously have sent me onto an emotional rollercoaster. I think about booze every now and again, but it doesn't seem to have a hold over me. I can quite happily drink a coke or some fruit juice. I can concentrate on so much more now and am able to be very productive, I feel an overall sense of calm. I've been digesting self help books as much as I can and learning about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This technique is ideal for alcoholics because you are forced to address how your emotions and beliefs can control how you perceive your reality and how you feel and react. I bought Cognitive behavior therapy for dummies by Rob Wilson and Rhena Branch, bought it on Amazon at a great price and finding it very helpful, it offers lots of practical advice and "homework" to help you work through your problems.

If you really want to change your life and beat alcohol addiction, I really recommend you buy this book.

To those of you out there who want to change, I respect you, let us all lead happy lives free from addiction.

All the best Rob

Day 23 away from Booze

Man this is a record for me!!! I'm not having any problems with cravings and have been very disciplined with organizing my daily activities. I'm finding I can be much more focused and achieve much more than I could whilst drinking. Drinking seems to shed you of your "self worth" and makes so much of life look unappealing. I made a list of the negative aspects of drinking that applied to me and everytime I look over it it keeps me determined to stay sober. These were the feelings I had whilst drinking:

• Stress
• Depression
• Insecurity
• Fear
• Anger
• Laziness
• Procrastination
• Inactivity
• Lack of motivation
• Jealousy...

I find I feel much happier now, find I'm smiling much of the time and everyone around me seems happy and a pleasure to be with. My relationship has improved, a while ago we had just drifted off to do our own activities, but now we share more, communicate more and are enjoying intimacy. It's fantastic!!!

Rob

Day 18 without alcohol

18 Days without booze, I couln't have imagined this a month ago. It's strange having to deal with problems without alcohol, over the past couple of weeks there have been many occasions where I would have reached for a bottle. I think the root of all our problems are based upon fear, fear makes us drink and avoid our problems and if we don't get to resolve issues we don't move forward.

It takes a lot of faith and energy to address life without alcohol, faith both in yourself and also of spiritual design. I believe though that you have to take responsibility for your own life and if you can accept that and act when you need to then you've moved forward.

I feel really lucky, I truly do not crave alcohol and I never thought that was possible. With the booze out of the way I can feel my confidence growing, I still feel messed up a lot of the time, but self hypnosis and the Binaural beat CDs I create for Moonfish design help me through each day.

I managed to achieve quite a lot whilst under the influence of alcohol, found creativity and came up with some really good ideas, now I'm thinking "I wonder how much more I will be capable of without it"?

It's an exciting and yet scary place to be, it's like learning to live as a different person...if that makes sense?

I used to get stressed out and snappy when drinking, but now although things still try me, I feel more able to cope.

I think drink ceased to be fun for me when it stopped removing my inhibitions, I was as insecure drunk as I was sober. (Only I'd make more of an ass of myself whilst drunk!) Sometimes I wonder why my family and friends stuck by me, I know they could see I was on a self destructive path. All of the time I wonder why did I become an alcoholic? Was it just insecurity, the need to be loved?

I don't think I ever got to know what love was truly like while I was drinking, I think I was in love with the concept of love...but it was just a word and didn't mean much. I think to be able to love, you have to be able to love yourself first, not in an egotistical way, but in a spiritual way...does that make sense?

I think many Alcoholics relapse because they think once they've quit that's it! and maybe don't get to the root of the problem that made them an alcoholic in the first place. I think that faith can help here, but I don't think you can rely on a higher force to cure whatever mental problems you are harbouring. I think that part is down to you to seek help from a counselor and to digest as many good positive self help books you can find.

I think you also have to start to be honest, alcohol makes a liar of all alcoholics and to be open and truthful to those around you is a frightening experience, I'm struggling with it, but it's getting easier.

If you're reading this and feel your eyes starting to drop, or you start to yawn, I understand. These words serve as a constant reminder as to why I quit alcohol and gives me an opportunity for release. If I can help anyone in the process, then I'll feel this is worthwhile, but if it only serves to help me then that is good also.

Bye for now Rob :)

Day 14 - A weekend away with my children

My children live with their mother in the Midlands, I usually visit them once a month and in the past every visit has revolved around me turning up with several cans of strong cider, watching some films with them and eventually falling asleep.

I usually wake up the next day feeling awful, don't feel like playing with them because of my hangover and generally look forward to the evening when I can buy more cider, watch a film...follow the same pattern.

This is the first time I've spent the weekend with them Sober and it's great. Whilst travelling to see them yesterday I felt like saying "Hi, I'm your real dad, I don't think you've ever met the real me before.

I feel like I'm seeing life from a better perspective, seeing the sunshine for the first time, realising how much I love the people close to me and am looking forward to carrying this journey of self development and exploration onwards.

I want to help people like me, to share the good feelings that are permeating into my life. Address the problems at the root of my Alcoholism and depression, be positive and happy.

It's hard to see the good things in life when you're drunk and in pain and that cycle just revolves around and around, until you're ready to step off into the unknown.

When I return to Wales after this weekend I'll be happy knowing I've spent several more days away from alcohol and have spent some quality time with my children, hopefully time they'' have really enjoyed sharing with a sober Dad.

Rob ;)

How booze can age you

This really freaks me out, here's a before and after photo of me whilst on booze and off it after 2 weeks.

I just had to post it mostly so I can remind myself about why I don't want to go back to it, but also maybe to make peolple think about what alcohol could be doing to them.

http://www.moonfish-design.co.uk/images/onboozeoffbooze2.jpg


All the best Rob

Day 13 and the importance of sprirituality

Taking control of your life is the ultimate responsibility you have to yourself. Any addiction is going to pull you down and stop you from reaching your full potential.

It'd day 13 for me now, possibly the longest time I've been without a drink and although I don't crave it yet, I'm sure my old lover alcohol will come to tempt me soon. I've realised that my problem did not come entirely from the alcohol itself, but from issues of insecurity going back to my childhood as well as maybe having an addictive personality.

I'm taking each day at a time, I mark off each successful day on a calender and I keep a close handle on my feelings. Whenever I have a bad day I write the experiences down in a journal, if I experience any negative or irrational emotions, they are written down too, so I can adjust my behaviour to be more positive.

One of my biggest problems has been that I did not like myself much, avoided looking in the mirror, making eye contact with people, avoided social interaction and was living a very lonely existence. It feels good that after such a short time I am finding the strength to deal with these issues. I've oredered a book by Susan Jeffers " Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers" and also First Year Sobriety : When All That Changes Is Everything [Paperback]
By: Guy Kettelhack

I guess my bible at the moment is The Effective Way to Stop Drinking (Penguin Health Care & Fitness) by Beauchamp Colclough

I think this is the book that made me stand up and say "I'm an alcoholic" The book doesn't pressure you into giving up drinking, but explains how to turn your life around and recognize the problem, it had some great case studies taht moved me to tears because I could see so much of myself in those pages.

I feel really lucky, I was in the last throws of alcoholism, where my body was starting to pack up and I was in danger of losing the the people around me who I love. I would get irritated by people around me and feel hatred growing from stupid things.

I know how hard giving up is going to be so I'm arming myself with all of the tools to help me beat this horrible and destructive addiction.

I have always been into spirituality, not in a christian sense and have found that the Pagan path works the best for me. But I realise, whatever religion or God you accept, having some faith can only give extra help to beat alcoholism.

So I embrace and respect my fellow alcoholic brothers of whatever religious belief, we are all in the same boat.

If I'm boring you with my ramblings, I'm sorry but it really helps me to speak from the heart and to not only help myself, but believe I may be able to help other people who have trodden the same self destructive path as me.

Love and light Rob

It is grea

Day 12 off the booze and AA experience

Went to AA today and was very apprehensive as their philosophy appears on the outside to be very Christian and I'm a Pagan.

However what I found was a group of people who I could relate to and whose stories echoed many of my problems with alcoholism and some practical advice. I just turned the God aspects of the 12 steps etc into the "Goddess" and I found it was working for me.

I realise the importance of being spiritual and if by having faith I can overcome my addiction to alcohol, that is not a bad thing.

I'm starting to notice the beautiful things in life that I took for granted and I'm feeling my confidence grow.

Life without alcohol is going to be great, I'll make my dreams come true.

Rob ;)

Found a great book to help stop drinking

My girlfriend bought this book called "The effective way to stop drinking" by Beauchamp Colclough. It's easy to find on Amazon. I've had the book for about 2 years and never read it until last week. Once I picked the book up I couldn't put it down and it made me more determined to keep off booze.

Maybe this book might help you too, There's also a book called "Feel the fear and do it anyway" I've read some of the book before and have recently ordered it. I think it helps you to get over the low self esteem issues that build up whilst you are controlled by alcohol.

L8er Rob ;)

Quitting Alcohol after 25 years

Hiya, I'm Rob an alcoholic who's been in denial for over twenty years. I always enjoyed drinking, it was fun at first, I lost my inhibitions got loads of sex, played in a band and always seemed to be doing fine...My alcohol problem just crept up on me, I never realised that it was a problem and when I started smoking dope as well...I'd get into states that I could only describe as euphoric.

The thing with booze though is it really alters your reality, you act unreasonably and don't realise you are at fault, you become self opinionated, make an ass of yourself, you lose your motivation, creativity and you not only hurt yourself, but others around you. When I remember every time I ever did something I regretted, it was always whilst under the influence of alcohol.

Being an alcoholic you start a relationship with an uncaring lover, a lover that seems to comfort you and is always close to you, by your side as you sit outside appreciating nature, playing hide and seek under the table so your real partner can't see it. I've had so many illicit meetings with alcohol, I was so in love with it until things in my life started to go wrong. I would never be in a relationship for long, would be serially unfaithful, never have any stability.

My last relationship broke up and my three children went to live with their mother. I continued to see the children, but I was really going off the rails, I had my own business and was working from home, I was getting quite successful but I wonder how many of my business clients knew they were dealing with a "lush" all of them I guess!

My friends never mentioned my drinking problem, although it must have beeen so obvious. My parents knew, but I always told them I didn't have a problem...I was going places...wasn't I?

I got an honors degree in computing whilst drinking most of the time (I really don't know how!)

After the split with my Ex I had freedom of choice, I could choose to drink first thing in the morning and I guess I was drinking about 4 litres of extra strong cider everyday. I think that works out at over ten times the recommended alcohol intake per week for an adult male.

I started to look bad, looking back at the photos now I feel like I'm looking at a junkie. I stated to get more and more insecure and would pick arguments with people, I can't imagine what an asshole I must have seemed to others.

I was never violent to anyone and I guess that's a blessing, but I was such a fool, I had become the centre of my own universe, with alcohol as my partner and everything else was secondary.

I've managed to stop now for 11 days (I know that doesn't sound like much) but it's the longest time I've been without a drink in over 20 years. I was a bit foolish for the first time i realised I was growing apart from my current partner, we weren't doing anything because so many activities revolved around me driving. (I'm so lucky I never got caught for drink driving, or for killing someone, because I would drive if I needed another drink. )

I'd finally found someone I was truly in love with and alcohol was killing the relationship, I started to suspect my girlfriend was having an affair...was becoming more and more paranoid. It was horrible, finally I realised that I had to do something about the madness that was taking over my life.

I was checked out at the hospital and was told I had irregularities in my liver and if I didn't do something about it, I would be drinking myself to death.

I was given helpful information by staff at the hospital, given contacts to help me to cure my addiction and was told it was all up to me.

I thought I'd just stop on my own, give it 7 days and if that didn't help I'd go to the alcohol abuse clinic. I realised though after a couple of days I did need the help and contacted the alcohol abuse clinic, they saw me quickly and gave me the support I needed so desperately. They also recommended AA and I decided to give that a try.

So I stopped completely (a bit stupid really) to go from 200 plus units of alcohol to nothing and the withdrawal was terrible. I was reminded of Ewan Mcgreggor in Train spotting when he goes cold turkey. The withdrawal was so bad after a few days that I felt like I was going mad so I went to the doctors and they put me on librium, the withdrawal symptoms eased a little but I was still going through so much emotional pain. Each following day was getting easier though, I started to feel a little happier, could look at myself in the mirror again and was becoming able to be motivated to work and to make plans for my future.

I know it's early days for me, but I really had to write this down, maybe share my experiences with people in the same situation. I know I can never drink again and I'm sure I'll be tempted.

I haven't turned to God to do this (although I don't condemn those that do) and I encourage anyone who has been in denial, like me to open their eyes and envision a wonderful and successful life free from addiction.

Thankyou for listenning

Rob